Setting Boundaries

How good are you at setting boundaries in your life?

It has been my experience that most people I meet are not good at setting boundaries. The majority of people in western culture are, in fact, not even sure what their boundaries are.

What do I mean by boundaries? Many things. We all have limits on what we want or need to allow in our lives. They can be physical, like limits on personal space or on how much energy we are willing to give at work. They can be emotional, such as conversation topics that are off-limits or uncomfortable. These limits are our boundaries.

In every context, and with any group of people, we have these limits. Change the location, the boundaries change; you might feel fine to talk about your religious beliefs in your church or your home, but not at your office, for example. Change the people, the boundaries change; your insecurities are probably something you share with your spouse, but not with your buddies at the pub. The way your co-worker hugs you is different than the way your father hugs you. Which boundaries apply constantly changes.

However, the boundaries themselves are relatively constant. If we don't feel comfortable talking politics with certain types of friends, that usually doesn't change over time. This means we can determine our boundaries and take advantage of that knowledge.

If we take the time to observe ourselves, to listen to the inner voice, we can figure out what our boundaries are. Notice how you feel when you talk about various topics or share space with different people. You'll find patterns in your emotional response, in your comfort and mood, as the conversation evolves or as the physical activity continues. Learn the patterns. When you can predict the emotional response to a circumstance, and when that response is negative, then you have identified a boundary.

Once you know your boundaries, you have the ability to communicate them. This doesn't mean you walk around telling everyone what your boundaries are, but it does mean that you tell those close to you what things they do or say that are not welcome. Good friends will respect that. It is especially important to establish boundaries in your close relationships.

But another important area of exploration can come from knowing your boundaries: you know where to explore next to grow yourself as a spiritual being. Our boundaries are mostly self-created, and many are arbitrary and not useful. If you know, for instance, that a particular topic of conversation gets you all worked up and upset, then you might consider trying to move past that response. Or maybe you are not comfortable when strangers are in the room; you may want to overcome this so that you can be more relaxed at parties and public events.

Learn your boundaries. Grow past the ones that don't serve a useful purpose. But most of all, know your boundaries and communicate them to the people who need to know.

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From the editor

We are still in Thailand this week. I am (probably) well rested and thoroughly relaxed at this point. If anything, I am probably bored.

Uh, what am I saying? Bored of being out in the sunshine, on the beach, hiking in the jungle? Never!

Anyway, I'm still not answering email, comments, or feedback, but I will get back to you once I return.

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff